Raw emotions

Is it just me who has noticed that every 3 or 4 posts on my timeline are about someone being pregnant? Now one may think, ”aww how cute” or “oh that’s adorable” ....but if you’re anything like me, “another one?!” “She’s pregnant?” “Another one?!” “God!! do you see this?!?”

For a brief moment, I legit said and kept everyone posting about their pregnancy gets to keep their baby but me?? 🥺. As taboo this topic is, miscarriages happen. And most times, it’s unexplained. It gets harder to heal if it happens more than once. 😔

After my first one, I wanted to move on so badly. I tried to address feelings that came up but it was tough. Thank God for my big sister/friend because she legit was there for me every step of the way. Accountability is sooooo key in the healing process. After a year and a half, I became pregnant again. My husband and I were overwhelmed with excitement and fear. We wanted to be optimistic....but fear of the past was present. And happens...again. At this point, I’m beyond angry. I wanted to blame anyone or anything! but God...

The questions came up again... “Did he really allow this...again?” “Does he hate me?” “Do I hate him.....?”

I tried to bury the anger, ya know, move forward being positive, and whatnot. The anger was too ugly to deal with so I did what I thought was best...bury it. We all know the saying what’s hidden must come to light, right? I didn’t care. I’d figure if I just keep swimming, keep creating, sewing, painting, cleaning, eating, ANYTHING but deal with it that eventually, it’ll go away.

But it doesn’t. Life keeps happening. Like a boiling tea kettle, the whistle was getting louder and louder until I sat down on my couch and cried it out. Not a hysterical one, just a continuous stream of tears flowing. It just so happen that my husband texted me, asking how I was feeling. *Que up the waterworks, level 2* The tears are flowing as I describe the raw emotions at that moment. As any loving and protecting man would be, tried to fix by taking blame or offering to get tested. I’m like, nah bruh. My peace of mind wouldn’t come through the results. I immediately heard the Holy Spirit say to shift gears in my mind...but I couldn’t. I was spiraling down, fast and my hubby couldn’t hold me up. Even through his response, I felt his hurt that he couldn’t fix it. He was hurting from this too and I couldn’t help him either.

I don’t have superhuman strength to yank the pain from myself and toss in the deepest ocean. But at the end of myself, I know that my faith in God alone is how we’ll get through this. My response to life happening is how I can help the next person. And that’s how I’ll keep living. It absolutely sucks when you look at your life as a math problem (husband+wife=baby) and the solution doesn’t come out the way it LOOKS like it should. Life shouldn’t be a formula to be solved but maybe as a story to be told. Accept these things to be true: God‘s love it true, Healing is a process, and My life is not my own.

In the meantime, my weapon of choice is my worship. Its been hard for me to truly engage in it but I know it’s my free place.

....and of course, try and try again 😜🤸🏾‍♀️

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